Wilderness Experience

I have a confession to make. I try not to let this blog get too personal – I prefer to keep it ‘on topic’, just talking mainly about cooking and housework and crafts.

But here is the thing. I am really, really struggling.

I know that we are blessed in many ways. After our landlord evicted us, we were re-housed against all the odds, in the town where we wanted to be. That was pretty miraculous, but it is far from ideal.

The house that we were put in has turned out to be totally unsuitable – there is no garden for the children (they were pretty heartbroken when we had to sell their trampoline), and since it is designed over three floors (meaning that I have to be more active than I can cope with), I have got much sicker since we moved here. In fact, I seem to be in relapse. I’m arguably sicker now than I was when I first got ill. It’s too small, so most of our books and possessions and furniture is still in storage, and our finances are a nightmare. My kids are ill, there just seems no end of massive, insurmountable problems.

I feel as though I am in the ‘pit’.

The result of this is that I am finding the upkeep of the housework impossible, and I’m not well enough to do the cooking. Added to the physical issues, or perhaps as a result of them, I think I can safely say that I have descended into a deep depression.

And I am feeling a failure.

We have had a run of more than five really rough years now, and I feel as though I have been brought into a long-term, painful wilderness experience, or a ‘Job’ experience, and I don’t really understand why.

So many scripture passages talk about blessing following the keeping of Torah, and for those who bless Israel. So I just keep wondering, what have I done wrong, and why am I missing the blessing? And when is it going to end?

I pray, I read the Word, I try to remain faithful. But it feels as though my prayers fall on deaf ears, and I have never felt more distant from Abba.

I never expected the ‘narrow way’ to be quite this rocky.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rhonda
    Jan 16, 2016 @ 22:28:23

    Can you imagine 40 years of living uncomfortably? Lol. I’ve been in deut.most of the day,I know what you mean. I finally went to the desktop and looked up a list off the 613 commands to print out. I too am looking to see if there’s disobedience in our lives. Remember that abba has mercy and he it’s longggg suffering. There’s lessons in everything we go thru. Try and be still and listen for his voice. Not sure what ailments your dealing with but I’ll be praying for you and your whole situation. Shalom.

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  2. Suzette
    Jan 16, 2016 @ 22:36:21

    Your situation sounds tough at the moment. You have to stay strong http://www.healurhead.com

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  3. recoveringmotherhood
    Jun 21, 2016 @ 14:31:24

    Hey sister, I know how painful these trying times can be. May you have shalom on this rocky narrow path

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